I have three kids (one of each – ho ho) and I love being a dad. In fact, I’d say the best thing about being a writer is being able to knock around with the children during my frequent tea breaks. I was left in charge of all three of them this weekend – the lovely, sensible five year old girl; the crackerjack three year old boy (owner of one of the largest heads in Europe); and their gorgeous but slightly feral one year old brother (AKA Mowgli). Nobody was severely injured (more by luck than judgement of course) and we had a brilliant time.


Of course, little people can drive you nuts (seriously, how many times can you tell a three year old boy to put his bum away???) but they never, ever stop making me laugh. My missus and I recently decided we’d keep a record of some of their greatest comedy moments and I thought I’d share them.


Apologies that this is a “Ha ha! Don’t kids say the funniest things…?” post but hey… they made me giggle. Here we go:



Son: (Completely out of the blue, rushes into the kitchen, excited and a little agitated) Mummy?

Mum: Yes.

Son: Do yaks go to church?



Daughter: (slightly worried) Daddy?

Me: Are you ok darling?

Daughter: There’s nothing in my nipples.

Me: …



Son: I don’t like Gramps.

Me: Why not?

Son: He’s so old his face has gone mouldy.


And my favourite…



Son: Mummy. What rhymes with lion?

Mum: I can’t think of anything.

Son: What about…. Hiun

Mum: Well, yes. Hiun does rhyme with lion but I don’t think it’s a word.

Son: Hiun is a word.

Mum: I don’t think it is.

Son: Is.

(This argument continues for several minutes)

Mum: (Deep breath) Ok. Can you put it in a sentence?

Son: Easy. That shelf up there’s a hiun.